Don't Mind Me

The Ex rang me on the Batphone (aka my work cell) tonight while I was talking to a friend on my personal cell. I picked up to make sure it wasn't an emergency, and then I came back to apologize and continue my original conversation.

"Sorry about that," I said. "He always does that if I don't answer; I don't understand why. I mean, what if I was going poop? Can't I have two minutes alone? Who picks up the phone when they're pooping?"

"I know, right?"

"I'll tell you who: him. I called one time and it took him forever to answer, and when he finally did and I asked what he was doing, he said 'I'm going poop.' I thought that was kinda weird, but I needed to ask him a question, so I started talking and he cut me off: 'Dude. I'm going poop.' And I was all, 'Well, why'd you answer the phone if you didn't want to talk?' Normal people don't do that."

"That's true, nobody answers the phone while they're pooping. But sometimes they poop once they're already on the phone."

"You're telling me. My whole family thinks it's okay to poop with me on the phone. I was on the phone with my sister, and I didn't even know what she was doing until somebody knocked on the bathroom door and she said, 'I'm in here going poop.' I was like, 'Um, what?'"

"Well, sometimes you have to go. You just try to be discreet."

"Sure, sometimes you've gotta do what you've gotta do. Number one, that's fine. You can do number one with someone who's a good friend, no big deal. For number two, it should be somebody you love or an absolute emergency situation. But you at least put the phone on mute! I'm on a cell phone; I have a mute button. They don't! Thank God I've never heard anything except a flush."

"You have to try to be very quiet. Sometimes you just can't get off the phone."

"I know. Hey, you know what's even worse is being on a conference call at work and having to poop and you have to stay on the whole time. You're antsy and you try to get everyone to hurry up and finish the conversation. And then later, your boss says, 'You were certainly short on the phone today,' and you're thinking, 'I HAD TO POOP! I was trying to wrap that shit up!"

"So my shit could start!"

"Exactly."