Be Still And Know That I Am God

Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by something beautiful and I pray spontaneously and with joy.

Sometimes I'm crushed by sorrow and I pray through tears.

Right now, I am crippled by fear and I can't seem to pray but by begging, in desperation, repeating the name of a beloved friend as though if God hears me say it enough He will save his life without me having to ask explicitly for Him to do so.

Michael is in the hospital following a massive heart attack and emergency surgery in which he recieved both an LVAD and an RVAD (Left and Right Ventricle Assist Devices). Once he stabilizes, he'll be on the list for a heart transplant.

He's been so incredibly strong, fighting like a trooper, but the road ahead is long and arduous. I'm trying really hard to balance optimism and hope while knowing that the odds aren't good. I'm trying to put this in God's hands while fighting the urge to tell Him I don't trust Him with this one, because if He really knew what He was doing, Michael would be just fine right now.

Would You Get Down On Your Knees And Scrub Me?

I remember the summer night I first heard this song. I was seventeen and hopelessly in love with my very first real boyfriend and every word reminded me of him. I even sang this to him over the phone.

He's still my favorite person in the entire world and the one I think of when I hear songs like All I Want Is You by Barry Polisar (which is actually his ringtone on my phone).

Anyhow, I was thinking about the Lemonheads yesterday and remembered this song, one I hadn't thought about in ages. I wanted to post it because after all these years, he still makes me so incredibly happy. I love you, Ken.

The song is Being Around by the Lemonheads.

Also!

Happy Loving Day!

It's sort of mind-boggling that interracial marriage was still illegal in 16 states only 41 years ago. But how apt that this celebration takes place so close to the day when gays can finally marry in California!

It's My Girls That Get Me Through

I had a very shitty day yesterday, caused by a man, which should be no surprise.

I won't go into details, but let's just say: IF YOU ARE MARRIED, PERHAPS YOU SHOULD TELL ME THAT BEFORE WE GO OUT ON A DATE. Asshole.

Anyhow, Jenny and Corazon, being total rockstars, came to the rescue with boxed wine, white bean hummus, brie, and chicken sausages for the grill. We had a late dinner and talked smack about dudes, work, and life in general. I love those ladies, and if either of them had a penis, I would so marry her. Already we are planning our future co-op life together raising children and sharing smart, quality, well-endowed men among us.

A conversational highlight -

Me: I just want to get laid one more time before I die!

Jenny: You'll have lots more sex before you die, don't worry.

Me: No, you don't understand. I feel like if I don't get some sex soon, I'm going to die. The threat is imminent!

Exhausted But Happy

So I am finally home...home being a relative term.

When I am in Indiana, I am home.

When I am with my family, I am home.

When I am in Los Angeles (or Pasadena), I am home.

You know the drill - it's where the heart is and all that jazz.

At any rate, here I am, back in my California home. Literally at home today as well, since I am working at my kitchen table once again. I was hoping to be in my office today after a long absence, but the Enterprise rental car branch I am using SUCKS BALLS and I wasn't able to rent something this morning. I'm working with my usual branch now and should be able to get into a car by this afternoon.

I am so tired - I could sleep for days, I think - but I had the best time. I'll write more about it later, but as a quick summary: I drove over 1,000 miles while I was there, shuttling back and forth between the homes of my siblings and my parents. I saw a Cubs game and my nephew's senior drama, stayed up late gossiping and giggling with my sisters, took care of my brother after he had outpatient surgery, and took about a billion pictures. My arm throbbed every single night (I couldn't take my meds during the day because I had to drive) but it was totally, absolutely, 100% worth it.

I miss them all like mad already.

35 Days and Counting

Today's happiness brought to you by the letter V, for vacation.

I'm going to visit my family next month for a week. Yay! I can't wait!

A Certain Fondness

The Ex drove up on Sunday to see me. After we enjoyed a late breakfast at Andy's, he chauffeured me around town to look for a grill. We went to three stores before heading back to Target (the first store we visited, of course) to buy a Thermos Patio Chef Grill. 410 square inches of cooking surface and 26,500 BTUs, on sale for $80 this week - woohoo! It came with a free cover, but unfortunately, without a propane tank, so we had to drive back to OSH to buy one. D'oh!

We returned to my place and spent the next two hours building the damn thing. Who knew a grill had so many pieces? I was so glad he helped me, because I don't know if I'd have been able to assemble it alone. (I probably would have called Michael and begged for his manly assistance.)

At any rate, after all we've gone through over the past year, spending a day like this together was just...nice. My sister often says she has no idea how or why the guys I date tend to stick around for years after our breakups. (She found it hilarious that I had Easter dinner with the Ex and my besty, who's also an ex.) I wonder myself sometimes, but mostly, I just feel lucky.

I Speak Fluent Plant

So, if you read this blog, chances are you know me in real life. And if you know me in real life, chances are you know I'm just coming out of a deep and somewhat debilitating blue period, during which I did very little aside from go to work in the morning (okay, morning is a relative term) and curl up in bed with my laptop every night.

I didn't notice how much my sadness changed me during that time until the fog started lifting. And what opened my eyes wasn't just the fact that my house was thoroughly thrashed (I don't clean during the best of times, so you can only imagine the state of my house right now) but the little plant that sits outside my front door, who had suddenly become very sickly.

I don't want you to think I forgot about her or stopped watering her while I was sad. On the contrary, I took care of her exactly as I normally do, or so I thought. I set her out to get sunshine on warm days and watered her a few times a week. Nonetheless, she had gone from a vibrant green plant to a very listless one, covered with yellowing leaves. Nothing I did seemed to help. I tried watering a little less, removing the dead leaves, cleaning off the top layer of her soil...all to no avail. It wasn't the weather, as she was outside during the coldest nights this winter and always stayed healthy and strong.

Now, I've had my little plant for almost a year. If you know about my genetic "black thumb", you know that it's completely unheard of for me to have a plant past a few weeks if I'm lucky. (I've killed orchids in mere days.) I bought her prior to my Memorial Day weekend potluck last year. Of the five plants I purchased, she was the only one that made it past a month. I have her on my front porch so I don't forget to water her, and I usually pause for a moment on my way out the door to say good morning to her and comment on how pretty she looks.

USUALLY.

I figured out over the weekend that I hadn't spoken to my little plant in weeks. Sure, I'd been taking care of her physical needs, but I hadn't remembered to give her the love that I'd been showing for the past eight months we've been together. Once I realized what was going on, I immediately started dropping sweet nothings on her every day. Not only did she immediately perk up, she even gave forth a little white bloom this week, completely unexpectedly! I know it sounds crazy, but I really think my talking to her has made all the difference.

Here are the things I love about my little plant (she's a Vinca, by the way):

1. She's still alive despite my poor plant parenting skills.

2. She blooms multiple times each year with pretty white flowers.

3. She makes my house look prettier just by being there.

4. She never wakes me up screaming in the middle of the night because her food bowl is empty.

5. She loves me, too - she almost died without my affection!

You Make Me Feel Like Me

There are only a few people in this world who I love so much that spending time with them has me floating around happy for days on end, but I was fortunate enough to spend time with two such people yesterday. My heart feels very full today. Yay for love! Yay for friends!

All You Need Is Love

I woke up this morning thinking about what I might do for Lent.

I'm still not sure if I'll attend Mass today, as I tend to get a bit panicky and weepy when I go by myself. (Ah, Catholic guilt and shame, what a lovely combination...) However, I was thinking I want to do something that evokes love the way Jesus does.

I'm not too down with the austerity thing, most probably for selfish reasons, but also because I don't really see the point of giving up Diet Coke or red meat or coffee for 40 days. How does that strengthen my soul? I prefer to do something rather than give up something.

In the past year I lost two people I loved dearly without saying many things I always wish I had. For that reason, I decided to write love letters for Lent.

Most people think of love letters as what one writes to someone with whom one is in a relationship. Not me. I have an entire box filled with letters from my family and friends that I've received since I moved to California over fifteen years ago, and every single one of those is a love letter. In some of my darker times, I would open that box to read something that someone wrote to me years ago that made me smile or laugh and gave me a glimmer of hope and purpose.

My goal is to write one letter each day to someone in my life who I love and who has not heard enough from me about how they make my life fuller, richer, better, and happier just by being a part of it. Some people might consider it the easy way out of Lenten sacrifice, but I think it will be worth it to someone...and hopefully not just me.