Bodily Malfeasance and Rascality

My internal organs seem to be feeling a bit under the weather these days, but in spite of the surely unhealthy amounts of radiation with which I have allowed medical professionals to bombard them, they have kept the source of their displeasure hidden.

Judy and Wendy helpfully suggested that perhaps I am constipated or have gas (neither of which is the case, thank you very much). We also ruled out the chance of an ectopic pregnancy with two at-home pregnancy kits, one of which was a total fail since the control line never appeared. (Let this be a lesson to you: buy the name-brand pregnancy tests, not the el cheapo Target kind.) I was already absolutely certain I wasn't with child considering 1) a lack of sex in the past couple of months and b) a pretty regular menstrual cycle, thanks to the Pill (even though I was late by a few days this month despite that, which I think points to my ovaries as the angry internal culprit in my medical saga).

I look forward to figuring out what the hell is wrong with me and getting it cured. In the meantime, if you see me shifting around in my chair and massaging my abdomen and lower back, it's because I feel like my kidneys are growing horns and stabbing me from the inside.