Monday, July 21, 2008

Hulk Smash!

Then Hulk engage in rough sexual congress with you!

I am in the throes of PMS, which means I am totally angry, hungry, and horny. Those are not three great tastes that go great together, by the way.

I needed to go to Target tonight and since I was already in Alhambra, I thought I'd stop by the Target there. BIG MISTAKE. Whoever designed their parking is either a complete masochist or flunked all their urban planning classes. That is one fucked up parking lot. After driving in circles for ten straight minutes, I left in a fury before I popped a blood vessel or burned the store to the ground (a threat I shouted out the window as I drove by the entrance of the store, startling several shoppers).

By the time I got back to Pasadena, I was somewhat calmer and managed to park and enter the Target there without any tears or violence. However, not being able to find the paper towels that were on sale enraged me, as did my momentary belief that Target had suddenly stopped carrying Equal.*

Then there was this hot guy I kept bumping into in the store, until I was a seething pool of sexual energy and had half a mind to accost him in Electronics. (Cleanup in aisle 6, cleanup in aisle 9.) Lucky for him, my attention was distracted by the fact that The Notebook, which was supposed to be on sale for $10, was actually $13. I think this is when my skin turned green and my pants shredded around my massive thighs.

I managed to leave the store without killing or sexually assaulting anyone, but to soothe the savage beast within, I had to stop for a Neapolitan shake at In-N-Out.'s like the opposite of gamma rays. I highly recommend bringing me one of these if you think you might upset me this week.

* I actually did harbor a belief that perhaps Target had stopped carrying Equal for some sort of moral reason when I couldn't find it next to the other sweeteners in the store. A few weeks ago, Jenny told me Equal was originally developed as a neurotoxin to kill ants. I'm still not sure if I believe this (or if I care, since it tastes AWESOME) but I was pretty panicky when I thought I'd have to settle for Splenda instead.


renee said...

very good example of how EVERYTHING becomes an epic struggle during PMS...
i am not as brave as you...i wouldn't have attempted a public shopping trip.

City Elf said...

you know, despite being on the pill, i often find myself surprised by pms. it's not until i'm exhausted and furious and constantly hungry and don't fit into any of my pants that i realize, oh hey, it's that time again.

i should have known better than to go to target, as the last week has hit every high note (or low note) that pms has to offer. and i wouldn't have gone but i had procrastinated too long and i was out of everything at home! (including equal)

Chromie said...

This was SO me last night coming home to a T.

But hey, I told you about the Equal thing ages ago, but I didn't think you wanted to believe me, or you just filter me out already. Bummer.

dpyrscn! I don't know if I can even type that - oh.

City Elf said...

did you really tell me about the equal thing before jenny got all up in my grill about it? i checked it out on the interwebz and i think it's a myth. or i choose to believe that because i just bought a box of 100 packets.

busy tonight?