Won't You Leave, My Neighbor?

Dear Neighbor:

Since I moved in almost a year and a half ago, you haven't exactly endeared me to you.

First, you parked in my spot repeatedly, usually when it was cold and rainy. I liked being forced to run to your door in the rain to ask you to move your giant Suburban, which you did slowly and reluctantly.

Once I finally broke you of that bad habit, you took the opportunity to show me your better nature. You backed your giant Suburban into the front end of my poor little Bumpy in the wee hours of the morning, right after she'd gotten back from the repair shop. You didn't even have the common decency to leave a note; I had to figure out what happened myself like Nancy Drew, matching the paint and dent on your rear bumper to the giant dent on the front of my fender.

I really liked how you pretended you didn't know what I was talking about when I confronted you, claiming that you thought you "nudged" the trash bins, not my car. (Despite the fact that they are located on opposite sides of the driveway.) Even better, you were - and probably remain - uninsured, so I had to pay the $1000 deductible out of pocket. I'm sure you thought it was no big deal for me since I make decent money, but that $1000 would sure come in handy for bills these days. I've gotten a bit of money back through AAA, since they sent a collection agency after you, but I doubt I'll see more than the couple of hundred bucks I've gotten back in the fourteen months since the accident.

Since I mentioned trash bins, remember when I used to leave mine out with yours and our other neighbors? It was so kind of you to dump all of your trash into my bin, and often into my recycling bin as well for good measure. You let me lug your filth to the curb each week. Your bin either didn't get put out for collection at all, or if it did, it stayed on the curb in front of my house for three or four days straight. Sometimes people who wanted to park on our street would put your bin up on my parkway, which made my house look wonderfully ghetto. I keep my bins on my back patio now and you seem a little grouchy that you have to take out your own heavy garbage these days. You're still not much better about bringing them in after trash day, though.

I would think your surly teenage boys could help out, but I guess not. After all, they're not really great with trash either. They often drop their litter (McDonald's wrappers, Metro passes, homework, and the like) on my lawn. Once, they left a skateboard helmet on my lawn for a few days, and I threw it in the trash. Man, that felt good.

The little fat one enjoys hanging out by my parking space and kicking his soccer ball against the wall of the garage next door. I used to be nice and ask for him to please play elsewhere, but the last couple of times, I shifted into bitch mode and just yelled at him to move the hell away from my car. I think he finally got the hint because he hasn't caused me any problems since then.

Your teenage daughter, who picks up the boys to visit their mother (your ex-wife), likes to park in the driveway and honk repeatedly and scream obscenities until the boys come out. Her behavior certainly sets an excellent example for her toddler!

Your girlfriend and her mother like to hang laundry from the fence in front of your unit, which is very classy. I also note that while you can't seem to figure out that the blue bin is for recycling only, you have a small mountain of recyclables outside your front door. The beer cans are an especially nice touch.

I was so thrilled when you converted your garage - which is attached to mine, if you recall - into an extra bedroom. I'm sure having seven people in a one-bedroom apartment (weren't there only three of you when I moved in?) can get a little cramped. It was a brilliant move to run an extension cord through your window so the boys could have a lamp and a heater in there! I'm sure that's not a fire hazard or anything.

Anyhow, I just wanted to let you know that I wrote a letter to go with my rent check this month. I told our landlord that I was fed up and that if she didn't do something, I'd report you and her to the city. She gave me a call back yesterday afternoon, and I got the best news I'd heard in ages.

You're being EVICTED. How exciting for you! I wish you all the best in your new place and I truly hope your new neighbors give you the same warm welcome you gave me.

Best,
City Elf