Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Life of Leisure

I've been a bit down lately about the job, which was a lot of fun when I first started almost three years ago, but has steadily declined during the past year in particular. I have a new boss and revised responsibilities (which have not yet been fully outlined); as a part of the reorganization of my position - actually of my entire unit - I also lost some responsibilities I greatly enjoyed. I've applied for a few things and come thisclose to being hired but things fell through. I'm at the point now that whenever I think of work, I feel stressed out and anxious. I haven't been sleeping well and I feel cranky a lot.

I'm also incredibly unmotivated. I'd like to tell my boss's boss how I feel, to let him know that I realize I'm being lazy and unproductive but that I can't figure out how to be happy there anymore. I hate feeling this way. I've always thrown myself into my work and done my best all the time, even when I hated what I was doing, because I had a bigger picture: I was working for someone awesome, or I was working for some great cause. But now I'm just working for a paycheck - I don't know what my goals are and I have no respect for my supervisor. I have tried to force myself to work harder and pretend to be happy but it's useless.

I guess I should feel lucky just to have a job, and I actually do feel lucky. I certainly don't want to be unemployed...or making less money, though at this point I'd be willing to take a pay cut just to get the hell out.

The funny thing is that a lot of people would love to work where I work and do what I do, because on paper it sounds like an amazing position. It's just that the job description is like a personals ad, written for seduction, but hiding the inherent flaws and insanity of the workplace.

My New Year's resolution is to FIND A NEW JOB.

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